If Jesus Walked Today- Ch. 3: The Fresh Prince of Napa Valley

          A week or so after Kobe became a disciple of Jesus he was teaching and preaching and performing basketball clinics for children in the projects all over L.A.. On a beautiful Tuesday they were outside shooting some b-ball out by a school when a couple of Fundamentalists that were up to no good, started making trouble in the neighborhood. Kobe and Jesus almostgot in one little fight and so they decided to go away to visit a friend in Napa Valley. The Christ was proud of his new companion, and decided they should take some time and hit the vineyards, to test and see if the wine was as good as it was back home in Israel. More than once Kobe asked Jesus why he didn’t just turn the water in his Nalgene bottle into a nice Merlot, or a supple Chianti, but Jesus said that he wanted to see the land and that he had heard that a friend of his was staying in a nice bed and breakfast in the Napa area. After all I’m just a sucker for the grape. Jesus thought to himself as he put on and cocked sideways his new flat bill 59/50.

          Two days later they pulled up to a bed and breakfast around 7 or 8 and Jesus yelled to the cabby, “Yo Homes, smell ya later!” Jesus waved to the cab driver with a smile and Kobe handed the driver his payment, shaking his head in embarrassment. “What? I’ve always wanted to say that!”Jesus said defensively. He then looked to his kingdom because he was finally there, to live on his throne as the prince of Napa Valley.

          Before walking in they noticed two secret service guards posted outside the doors. The men looked like they were guarding the president, but because Bush hadn’t prayed about a vacation to Napa lately, Jesus knew it wasn’t him. It was his buddy Barak Obama!

          “Ooh! I’ve always wanted to meet him.” Kobe said with a smile and began walking forward. The guards instantly stopped the pair and told them they couldn’t enter. “But I’m Kobe Bryant!” the Laker retorted.


          “And I’m the Prince of Napa Valley!” Protested Jesus! “Besides, I’m a friend of Barak. You will call him now and let us in…” Jesus said, waving his hand back and forth.

          “Jesus, that will never work. You are God’s Son, not Obi Wan Kenobi!” Kobe protested.

          “I’ll call Barak now, and let you in…” The guards repeated in a monotone voice. The guards looking dazed, called in the request.

          “Who do you think taught the Jedi that trick?” Jesus smiled at his disciple.

          Barak and Jesus had met on the campaign trail in Ohio, and Jesus had drilled Barak on his plan to help fight poverty, genocide and homelessness in the world. The, then presidential candidate had answered satisfactorily and Jesus had accepted him as a friend, but not before giving Barak a thorough tongue lashing about going to church with that loony Rev. Jeremiah Wright. From then on the two shared many conversations via myspace messaging, spent hours playing Myspace’s Mobster, and had even joined Bono’s One.org together!

          “Obama isn’t the only candidate I’ve made friends with. I’ve met and hung out with McCain in Michigan, and Biden in Tennessee.” Jesus told Kobe while they waited.

          “But what about Sarah Palin?” Kobe asked his master quizzically.

          “I’d rather hang out with Tina Fey.”

          “Yeah well she’s a fox!” Kobe shot back.

          “I know. I created her.” Jesus smiled at his companion, and wiped the sweat from his forehead.

          Just then the door opened and an attractive, charismatic man stepped outside. “Jesus!” Barak stepped forward embracing the Son of God.

          “Hussein! So good to see you!” Jesus laughed a hearty bipartisan laugh.

          “Ah… You always get me with that one crazy guy! Come on in you two. We’ll have some wine.” The regal man led the two inside, where Jesus was about to enact his Master plan.

To Be Continued…



~ by Tim Kurek on October 17, 2008.

8 Responses to “If Jesus Walked Today- Ch. 3: The Fresh Prince of Napa Valley”

  1. I want to kiss the writer!

  2. Was Obama closer to Carlton Banks or DJ Jazzy Jeff in comparison? 🙂
    Your third chapter was giving flashbacks to when I was 14.

    It appears that you actually made a fan (Layla) as opposed to a critic with this post.

  3. I think this is hilarious!!! All three Chapters are fabulous!!!

  4. Layla <3’s Tim!!

  5. this is the weirdest blog series i’ve ever read…

  6. Well, it’s fun. Jesus did say “I have come to give them life, and that more abundantly.” But is it too much?

  7. https://theevolutionofgod.wordpress.com/2008/10/19/to-everyone-that-has-commented/

  8. a very rich imagination…is it biblical???your stories???

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